In January of 2013, after losing a significant amount of weight, I decided to give running a try. I completed the couch25k program and suddenly... I was a runner. I loved the challenge of it. I loved how it made me feel. I loved how it only required putting one foot in front of the other. By May, I could run up to 6 miles at a time. Pretty big accomplishment for someone who wasn't a runner, right? I ran multiple races that summer and it was such an amazing accomplishment for me. It was something I never could have imagined.
In early fall, I found out I was pregnant. In fact, the most recent 5k I had completed I ran while about 6 weeks along. I had every intention of continuing but I had a little medical scare and my OB said no running. While it was so worth it to keep my baby safe, I really missed running. As you can imagine, after my daughter was born I was itching to get back out there as soon as I got the go ahead. I went for a run right after my "all clear!" appointment and it was hell. My body was on fire, I felt like I was trudging through mud with cinder blocks on my feet, and I barely made it a mile. I kept at it though, at least as much as I could with a new baby. I ran with her most of the time which made things even more difficult. But still, I pressed on. By May of 2015 I felt like I was ready to do a 5k so we signed up to do one as a family. I will never forget the excitement I felt as we crossed the finish line! I felt like I was back in the game. 
About a month later, I found out I was pregnant again. I was still running and I was registered for another 5k. It turns out the same thing that happened in my first pregnancy happened again and I was told no running. So I walked the 5k and sidelined myself once more. It was an easy decision. Obviously the health of my babies mean more to me than running ever will. I ended up not being very active the last half of my pregnancy. I was HUGE, all belly, and it was just hard to do anything. Things got harder after he was born. Not to over share, but I gave birth to a 10lb baby in seven minutes. My body had been through a lot of stress and I was feeling it. My hips hurt all of the time which pretty made running impossible. I also have a toddler who does not want to be strapped into a stroller. In early summer, when it was cooler in the evenings, I would load both kids up and do one lap of the neighborhood. Mostly to get out of the house for a little bit and to get some exercise. It's about a mile walk and it was torture. My whole body hurt, my kids were cranky, and it was just not an enjoyable experience. So I stopped. I moved my workouts indoors and we stopped going out for our evening walks (it was also getting to be super humid in the evenings... To add to the miserableness.) Honestly, it was a very depressing time for me. I can't pinpoint what it was exactly but I just did not feel like me.
By the end of June, I decided I was sick of feeling that way. I forced myself into getting back into regularly working out and we started Whole30 again. Slowly I started to feel "normal." Then my son, who was now 6 months old, decided to start waking up at 6am. I was getting so frustrated because that was my workout time and then I realized... I can get some quiet time AND a workout in if I take him out for a walk. So he would wake up, I'd feed him, and then I'd load him into the stroller so we could head out. We started slow at first, just walking a mile or so. After a couple of days I realized my hip wasn't hurting as much. We started walking two miles, then three miles, then slowly adding jogging intervals. We would get home and I would be sweaty and tired but I also felt so empowered. Slowly but surely, I was getting better. I was getting stronger.
And then this morning. I ran the most I've run in over a year and I could almost feel the heaviness lift from my body. It as a heaviness I almost didn't realize was there. As I listened to the sound of my feet hitting the pavement, the stroller wheels whirring along, I felt free. Free from the pressure to look a certain way after having a baby, free from the depression and anxiety that has been plaguing me the last four months, free from the worry that I would never get back to feeling like myself. Because in that moment, I felt like myself for the first time in a long time. I started crying as we pulled into the driveway just from the release of it all.
One of the hardest things about becoming a mom is rediscovering who I am. Yes, I'm a mom. But I'm not JUST a mom and I needed to be reminded of that. I'm also Holly who loves to dance crazy and watch One Tree Hill over and over and learn new things about health and nutrition and read Nicholas Sparks books even though I know how they will end and eat weird things because I'm not afraid to try them and exercise because I genuinely like to move my body and the list goes on. I'm still working on how to be both of those people at the same time, discovering how to make sure I don't get lost again. I'm getting there. I'm mom first but Holly is still in there and it was really nice to see her today ❤️
I'm so glad i read this. As a new mom (with a 6 week old)I've just started running again and it js so empowering. You are right - it's so easy to lose yourself when having kids...but its not fair to them! Yes, keeping up with exercise is so much more difficult these days - with a baby, with the humidity, etc. But even if we are just going for walks, I'm doing him and me a service. Congrats and keep it up mama!
ReplyDeleteYou're so right--- it's not fair to them! I think I do this just as much for them as I do for myself. Thank you for your encouragement! You are doing a great job as well : )
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